When Will woke up, he groaned. It felt as if his head had just split open. After tenderly reaching a hand up to reassure himself that his skull was still intact, he struggled to get up. Then he wished he hadn’t. A shot of pain sliced through his head, causing him to clutch at it, sit suddenly, moan again, and put his head between his knees. The dizzying pain made him gasp as he finally stood up, leaning heavily on the living room wall. The empty room in front of him looked strangely like a picture taken by a person who quickly moved the camera at the last second.
As the throbbing finally ebbed to, maybe not a whisper, but something bearable, Will remembered what had happened. Furious with his own stupidity, Will stumbled out the door and slowly began to walk. Later, when he could stand it, he sped up, running to his hideout in the woods.
Although his house was cheap, it was placed close to the mountain, where the larger, nicer houses stood looking down on the valley. Between his backyard and the foot of the mountain there was a small group of trees that Will and Pickles had long ago dubbed “The Woods.” They had spent hours exploring their woods, often pretending to be characters from Harry Potter, Animorphs and other books they loved.
He had discovered the cave behind some raspberry bushes years earlier when, tearstained and bruised, he had rushed through the plum-scented trees to get away from home. Throughout the years he and Pickles steadily filled it with a small collection of thrown away chairs, a scratched up coffee table, a battery powered lamp, and an old waist-high, musty-smelling bookcase to keep his friends on paper safe.
♦ ♦ ♦
Now, on the dirty bean bag chair, Will flipped on his lamp and reached over to the bookcase for one of his latest library books, The Septribes. As he recalled the miserable things that had happened that day, and days before that, he wanted more than ever to escape into a story – to let his mind be captured by the poetic flow of one of his favorite authors, Jessica Norton. As he read, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing the stone resting in his palm, his heart steadied to a calmer pace. Finally, for the first time that day, he could relax.
Hours later, as his eyes began to close, his mind was still in Alvalor with the seven villages: Anifon, Borzerk, Hypti, Levitus, Herbos, Oiseye, and Byklaw.
The stone tingled pleasurably in his hand.
Maybe his imagination was so practiced, so carefully tuned from years and years of constant reading. Or, perhaps the stone had played a part in it. Nevertheless, somehow, his breath slowed and became deeper and steadier as he fell asleep behind the bushes of a small family in the village of Byklaw.
♦ ♦ ♦
Napodi was bored. She threw rocks into the river, watching them splash and sink to the bottom of the clear water.
Millie and Max were playing tag on a small green hill nearby, hobbling around on their crutches in the spring sunlight. She glanced at them and felt the weight in her face lift slightly. Just looking at her adorable brother and sister seemed to make the day brighter.
As she turned to toss an exceptionally large, lumpy stone into the chuckling river, she heard Millie scream. Oh no, not again. She ran around the hill toward her little brother and sister. Eduardo Oiseye held their crutches high in the air, and Millie and Max clutched each other on the ground in front of him.
Napodi stood in front of the twins and glared at Eduardo. “Give them here,” she said through clenched teeth.
Eduardo just laughed. “And what will you do if I do not?”
♦ ♦ ♦
Behind the bushes near the river, Will woke up. He looked around in confusion from his spot on the grass. Pulling himself up to see around the bushes, he spotted a girl with brown hair and of a slight build standing in front of two little kids who were obviously twins.
In front of the girl stood a sneering boy with long red hair. He wore a leather headband with what looked like the shape of an eye sewn into the front. He held two roughly made wooden crutches as if they were the first place trophy to an Olympic event.
It would probably be wrestling, Will thought, eyeing the boy’s heavily muscled arms and thick stature.
They all were wearing very strange clothes: baggy shirts and pants made of a coarse material in different shades of brown. They each had a thick brown belt around their waist, brown bare feet, and wore light cloaks with hoods around their necks.
The girl straightened her silver cloak, and glared at the boy who sported a gold one. She seemed to be at loss of what to say. Her shoulders slumped with a defeated air. The boy’s strange golden eyes glinted with pride. He had won.
As Will looked at the twins, who had the same dark, wavy brown hair as their sister, he noticed they each had a crippled leg—the boy’s left and the girl’s right. They were now standing, holding each other up with an arm around the other’s shoulder. The little kids looked on, not with complete fear, but with a sense of dejection similar to their sister’s. This had obviously happened before.
Will’s temper began to rise as he understood what he was seeing. He absolutely hated bullies. Remembering the hours of quiet tears he had spent through nights not many years ago, and recognizing the feeling of overwhelming helplessness that came with defeat, Will stood up from behind the bushes.
♦ ♦ ♦
Napodi heard a sharp intake of breath come from Millie and Max and turned to see what they and Eduardo were staring at. There, standing behind some bushes next to the river, was a boy.
He had messy black hair that came down his ears halfway, and striking blue eyes. He wasn’t very tall, but had a stocky figure, square shoulders. He was a kind of stubborn handsome, despite that on the right half of his face there was a large, ugly purple bruise.
The boy wore exceptionally odd clothes. His pants were a loose blue material Napodi had never seen before, and he wore a red, short sleeved tunic with the words Periwinkle Jr. High Seagulls! printed across the front. The boy glared at Eduardo, who glowered right back.
“And who are you?” The Oiseye raised an eyebrow.
“My name is none of your business,” the stranger replied in a slow but steady voice. “but if you don’t give those kids back their crutches, I’ll make it my business.”
♦ ♦ ♦
As Will stepped out from behind the bushes, the girl looked oddly at his shoes. He ignored her and looked meaningfully at the boy with red hair. The boy scowled and threw the crutches down near his own feet.
“Why do you not make me?” he sneered, raising his fists.
Will rolled his eyes. The bully could have at least come up with a more creative comeback. He stuck his stone in his pocket, then casually formed the ready stance. He waited for the boy to make his move.
He suddenly threw his fist at Will’s face. Will cleanly dodged it, hitting the boy’s arm sideways with his left arm. He threw a kick with his right heel. The breath was forced out of the red-haired boy’s lungs. He doubled over, holding his stomach.
Seizing his chance, Will grabbed the little wooden crutches and handed them back to the girl with brown hair.
She met his eyes with wonder and gratefulness glowing in her face, and with a start, he realized her eyes were a soft brown speckled with green. He averted his gaze, not quite knowing why he was embarrassed, and glanced back at the bully. He had scrambled up and started to run away, still bent over, favoring his lower abdomen. As he looked back and glared, Will had a strange feeling he would see the red headed boy again.
♦ ♦ ♦
Napodi was in awe. The boy in strange clothes had not only just beaten Eduardo Oiseye, the bully from the nearest village who hadn’t given up picking on her and her siblings for years, but he had done it protecting her. After resigning to the fact that the averted eyes from the rest of the city wouldn’t help her in past situations, she had grown used to the light bruisings—they were never very big, anyway.
When she turned to hand the crutches back to their owners, she found they had already hobbled over to the boy, leaning on each other for support. Excitement and admiration shone in their eyes.
“What is your name?”
“Where did you come from?”
“Where did you learn to fight like that?”
“Can you teach me?”
“How come you wear such strange clothes?” They both bounced up and down eagerly. Anger turned into amusement as the boy started to smile, and then winced as it pulled his bruise.
“What happened to your face?” Millie and Max said bluntly at the same time.
Finally, the boy had a chance to speak. “Um, my name’s Will….” A look of dawning came over his face. He slowly looked around him, taking in everything as if he’d never seen it before. Napodi glanced around with him, wondering what he was looking at. She inspected their small cabin with a few trees in the front yard, the many more cabins down the dirt road, the bakery, the weaver’s hut, the shepherds’ sheep pen, the river and their little hill on one side of the road, and the woods on the other.
None of this looked out of the ordinary to Napodi, so she looked questionably back at the boy, Will. She started with alarm as she noticed he had become suddenly pale.
“Do you need to sit down or something? You do not look very well,” she said uncertainly, still unsure whether this apparition would disappear.
“Yeah…” he said, still looking around with a confused look on his face. “I don’t feel too hot. Something really weird is going on…” He looked at her strangely.
“What’s your name?” he asked hesitantly.
“Oh, of course,” She flushed. “I am Napodi Byklaw.” She gestured to the twins. “And this is Millita and Maxicor. We call them Millie and Max. They are my little brother and sister.”
“And this is Thunder. He is my crutchie!” added Max.
Not wanting to be left out, Millie held out her crutch. “My crutchie is prettier! Her name is Rosie!”
“Okay.” Amusement flashed again in his eyes as Will turned back to Napodi. “One more question:
Where the heck am I?”
****************************
And thus ends chapter one. (finally!) This is where a lot of my sophomore voice comes into play. Help!
--Anna
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Back again! Sorry I took so long.
Okay, before I keep reading, I just have to say something. There are certain things that you don't need to go into full description about. Instead of writing this whole paragraph about how Will got up, you could just say this: He pulled himself up with great difficulty. Or anything along those lines. It just shortens things up with a lot less blah, blah, blah. Sorry if I'm being rude, just being honest. Over-wording things tend to drive readers away.
Make should be italicized, not it.
I love how I'm discovering more of Will's nature as I read. I didn't know who he was two chapters ago, but I'm starting to understand him a little more. I find him less annoying now. I didn't mention this yet, but I didn't like him in the beginning, but that's simply because I didn't know anything about him. He's becoming less of a mystery.
I also like Pickles' and Will's friendship. I hate to see it end on a sad note. That is, if Pickles isn't going to show up anymore. Oh, I hope he does! I liked him. Max and Millie are amusing, too. They're adorable!
Do you know Axel from Kingdom Hearts 2? I don't know if you've ever played that videogame before, but that's who the red-headed dude reminds me of. He sounds cool...I usually like the villians, it's just my thing.
Ah, I sense some romancy-romance between the girl and Will. BTW, is he inside a book? Have you ever read the book Inkheart? If you have, this kind of reminds me of that. Just saying.
Very good, enjoyed it very much. Just try to fix the over-worded paragraphs please. As you probably know, people on this site don't like to read things that are overly described. Well, I don't anyways. So keep going if you haven't finished already. Don't be discouraged by my critiques, either.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95
XOXO
Great work. You did an excellent job introducing the new characters, I like how the siblings stick together. The protective big sister with the trouble making twins, as younger siblings, was a nice touch. You managed to make the new world very believable.
I especially liked Will's reactions once his surrounding sink in. Shock and disbelief with just a hint of panic. You finally manage to work the fantasy aspect in and you do it very well. I can tell that the stone will play a key role in Will's adventure/new life?
The story flows very well from one part to the next it seems smooth and natural. I think Will's reaction once he realizes what has happened will be interesting. He might even decide to stay in Alvalor, I mean it doesn't seem like he had much of a life to miss. Or to want to return to.
Over all. I'd say it's a pretty good start. It needs a bit of polishing but it's still a good read. Keep it up. And again, PM me once you post the next part in the story.
Great!! Thanks, guys! I can't wait to get to work!
Cyber-five!
--Anna
The writing was very good in parts and never bad. However as soon as i started reading, i wondered how long i would be able to read it for. It seemed at times that the story had been done before. Then i would read a certain sentence and want to read on like when he starts to read. On the whole i wasn't blown away but your writing seems solid and their is little negative, just let you mind run more wild.
Anna,
Hello! How are you on this lovely, horridly rainy day? Yesterday was cloudy, and only raining a little bit, and today, can you imagine, it’s both cloudy and rainy? Can you? Try. Just try. Or not - it will be better it not, it’s too horrible.
Quote:
When Will came to, he groaned.
To what?
Quote:
As the throbbing finally ebbed to, maybe not a whisper, but something bearable,
Rephrase.
Quote:
Furious with his own stupidity, Will stumbled out the door and slowly walked, and, when he could stand it, ran, to his hideout in the woods near his house.
Comma horror. I suggest splitting to make the sentence(s) understandable.
Quote:
Between his backyard and the foot of the mountain, there was a small group of trees that Will and Pickles had long ago dubbed “the woods.”
No comma.
Quote:
” They had spent hours exploring their woods, imagining themselves away into better worlds.
“away into better worlds” - cut and substitute with another phrase.
Quote:
He had discovered the cave behind some raspberry bushes years earlier when he, tear-stained and bruised, had rushed through the plum-scented trees to get away from home.
“(…) when, tearstained and bruised, he had (…)”
Quote:
to let his mind be captured by the poetic flow of one of his favorite authors, Jessica Norton.
There’s one author listed here - why the plural?
Quote:
Hours later, as his eyes began to close, his mind was still in Alvalor with the seven villages; Anifon, Borzerk, Hypti, Levitus, Herbos, Oiseye, and Byklaw.
“the seven villages of (…)”, or, if you very much need one, a colon. Semicolon looks odd.
Quote:
Somehow, maybe because his imagination was so practiced, so carefully tuned from years and years of constant reading; or perhaps the stone had played a part in it—nevertheless, his breath slowed and became deeper and steadier as he fell asleep behind the bushes of a small family in the village of Byklaw.
Woah. Split. Semicolons don’t work here. First part - somehow what? That later, yes, but grammatically, it’s unclear.
Quote:
he spotted a girl with brown hair and a slight build standing in front of two little kids who were obviously twins.
Of a.
Quote:
He held two roughly made wooden crutches as if they were the first place trophy to an Olympic event.
“a first place trophy”.
Quote:
They each had a thick brown belt around their waists
Waist.
Quote:
The girl straightened her silver cloak now,
“Now”? But the time is past. Later the word is okay, don’t know why that is.
Quote:
he little kids looked on, not with complete fear, but with a sense of dejection similar to their sister’s.
Awkward, consider rephrasing? It might be the commas.
Quote:
He absolutely hated bullies. Remembering the hours of quiet tears he had spent through nights not many years ago and recognizing the feeling of over-whelming helplessness that came with defeat, Will stood up from behind the bushes.
Comma before “and”
Quote:
All in all, he was extremely good looking, except for the right half of his face, which was a dark, ugly purple bruise.
That whole right half? Or that bruise was just on that half? Unclear.
Quote:
Plus, he wore exceptionally odd clothes.
Ew, cut the “plus”
Quote:
“but if you don’t give those kids back their crutches, I will make it my business.”
Capitalize. I don’t know why “it” is in italics. If anything, it should be “will”.
Quote:
“Why do you not make me?” He sneered, raising his fists.
Minor “he”
Quote:
, the bully from the nearest village who had never given up picking on her and her siblings for years.
“never in years” - awkward, rephrase.
Quote:
It was quite a wonder in itself, Napodi thought, since Oiseye was a bit of a ways away.
Hmm?
Quote:
I don’t feel too hot.
Hmm?
Quote:
“Oh, of course,” she flushed, “I am Napodi Byklaw.”
Period after tag.
Quote:
“Okay,” Amusement flashed again in his eyes as Will turned back to Napodi,
Commas should be periods.
***
Max and Millie are awesome, that I have to stay. Absolutely fantastic. That series of questions was a brilliant idea, added their characters a lot of depth.
What else? The story was generally well written, the idea seems promising. It read and flowed well, which is a really big plus - I read everything very quickly, and during that time it had my full attention.
Apart from that - dialogue punctuation needs work. I absolutely horrid at explaining that kind of stuff, but here’s a really helpful link (contents written by Snoink): article19430.html
Cheers,
Esme